


Not broken

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aromantic Ragnor Fell, Aromantic Raphael Santiago, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Insecure Raphael, Love Confessions, M/M, Sex-Repulsed Raphael Santigao, supportive Simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9857354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: "You should try to sleep, kid," Ragnor scolded almost gently - well, as gently as his gruff voice was capable of - while placing a cup of tea on the small table in between them, slumping down in the armchair while his gaze was fixed on the young vampire sitting in front of him with a sulky expression."It's the middle of the day," Raphael replied, fully aware of the fact that he was a creature of the night now and that he was supposed to develop a different sleep rhythm."Exactly. You're a vampire, you're supposed to be asleep right now." Ragnor poured some milk into his teacup, stirring the paling liquid before setting the spoon down and taking a sip of the drink.Raphael watched his movement, tempted to ask if he could get a cup of tea as well - without the milk, thank you very much - but he knew it would only result in him throwing it up again. His shoulder slumped at the thought that he could only digest blood now and he felt his stomach twist a little but he pushed the feeling away as quickly as it came up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I made the mistake of watching the new episode (despite still not having seen ep 7) and if anyone knows how to delete memories, please do tell me because it was a mistake to watch it. I might still try to write some kind of extended scene (well, fix-it, really because that's badly necessary) but let's see about that...This one has nothing to do with the shit we had to witness last night, though, and here's to hoping that I do a better job at writing them IC plus dealing with the topic in this story.

Raphael had always prided himself on the fact that he was very foresightful and barely anything ever managed to catch him by surprise. Funnily enough, the one thing that ended up creeping up on him unnoticed and surprising him was a _feeling_. Namely, the feeling called _love_.

Even before becoming a vampire, Raphael had always associated love with the strong affection he felt for his family and later on close friends as well as his clan. He never understood the romantic version of the feeling and he had never cared to think too much about it. It was something that concerned other people, not him. Until Simon quite literally stumbled into his life, at least. The former mundane with his habit of nervous rambling and eyes almost as big as the thick-rimmed glasses he didn't need anymore had actually managed to awaken feelings in Raphael that he had never thought himself capable of.

* * *

"You should try to sleep, kid," Ragnor scolded almost gently - well, as gently as his gruff voice was capable of - while placing a cup of tea on the small table in between them, slumping down in the armchair while his gaze was fixed on the young vampire sitting in front of him with a sulky expression.

"It's the middle of the day," Raphael replied, fully aware of the fact that he was a creature of the night now and that he was supposed to develop a different sleep rhythm.

"Exactly. You're a vampire, you're supposed to be asleep right now." Ragnor poured some milk into his teacup, stirring the paling liquid before setting the spoon down and taking a sip of the drink.

Raphael watched his movement, tempted to ask if he could get a cup of tea as well - without the milk, thank you very much - but he knew it would only result in him throwing it up again. His shoulder slumped at the thought that he could only digest blood now and he felt his stomach twist a little but he pushed the feeling away as quickly as it came up.

"It takes time to get used to all of this. It's difficult to fall asleep when the sun is up, even if my body feels heavy and tired during the daytime. The insane one is of no help. He offered me a weird concoction last week of blood and some herbs that was supposed to help me sleep but it was absolutely disgusting and not even remotely helpful. The guy is absolutely useless. I have no idea how he has a paying job," Raphael grumbled, his eyebrows drawing together in a frown and he glared at the tabletop as if it was personally responsible for the fact that he was currently living with the most exhausting person he had ever encountered.

He wasn't one for parties but he would surely celebrate the day he moved out of Magnus Bane's apartment again because nothing seemed more appealing at the moment than getting away from this menace of a warlock.

"I told you, you could always stay here. You're welcome here as long as you keep quiet and behave like a good boy," Ragnor replied, setting his cup down again and leaning back into his comfy looking chair. The light from the small lamp on the table caused the warlock's skin to adapt an emerald glow and Raphael had a difficult time to keep himself from staring. It was still a little odd to see someone whose skin was completely green, even weirder than the two horns protruding from Ragnor's forehead, but he had been raised with manners and knew not to stare at other people, not matter how unusual their appearance.

Well, admittedly, Magnus was someone he did stare at quite a lot but it was more of a _judgemental glare_ because he knew it would get on the other's nerves and it felt like this was his sole purpose lately, to annoy and judge this ridiculous man. Raphael might be thankful for everything Magnus had done for him - saving his life, helping him to go see his family again and taking him in for the time being - but the warlock was still absolutely insufferable most of the time.

" _A good boy_? Don't make it sound like I'm a dog."

"You do remind me of an abandoned puppy, now that you're mentioning it," the warlock replied and Raphael glared at him, huffing out a breath that was useless for his lungs but he was still too used to the intake of air to just stop the habit.

"Now I get why you are friends with the maniac," the young vampire deadpanned with the most unamused expression he could muster. Ragnor actually grinned at him in return, a sight that seemed to be pretty rare for him as Raphael had already figured out but the warlock seemed to have taken a shine to him and was, therefore, a little more open with showing such emotions.

"Back to the initial topic, my undead companion, _sleep_."

"I'm okay. I doubt it will kill me to not go to sleep as soon as the sun is up and besides, I'll probably have nightmares about the noisy activities of your crazy friend anyway. I'd rather not be vividly reminded of that." Raphael grimaced at the mere memory of whoever Magnus had brought home again last night to share the bed with but his sensitive vampire hearing had made it the worst experience of his still short undead life. Which was the reason he had called Ragnor and almost begged the warlock to portal him away so he didn't have to listen to _that_ any longer.

"You sound traumatised," Ragnor mused, taking another sip of his tea.

"Because I _am_. I don't care that people chose to have sex for whatever reasons but I don't want to know about it - I certainly don't want to see or hear any of it!" Raphael complained and shuddered at the thought. He knew it wasn't normal to feel this way but he couldn't help it and he definitely wouldn't force himself to act like he didn't mind.

"Don't worry, kid, there are always a few people who feel this way." Ragnor actually smiled properly at him now, almost fatherly, and the young vampire deflated a little bit, ducking his head with a deep sigh.

"It's still weird, isn't it? Maybe that's why I was turned into this because I was already broken, to begin with, and God didn't protect me from this," he finally mumbled, voicing his concerns for the first time while instinctively touching the golden cross resting against his chest. The contact of the holy symbol of his faith still burned the faintest bit but Raphael actually welcomed the feeling because it would always be a reminder that he wasn't human anymore.

"Now, now. Don't talk like that. You're not broken and even if you were, then I'm broken as well," Ragnor replied easily with a mischievous glint in his eyes when Raphael's head shot up again, dark eyes staring at him with confused curiosity.

"I do enjoy sex, mind you, but I don't care much for romantic relationships. If you're broken for not wanting the physical aspect, I'm broken for not wanting the emotional aspect. I prefer my books and a good cup of tea over the stress of a relationship," Ragnor explained and the young vampire blinked at him in surprise because how could the other say that so easily? Raphael had never really dared to voice these kinds of things because he knew it wasn't _right_ what he was feeling and now here he was, with a centuries-old warlock who casually told him he wasn't normal in aspects other than the blatantly obvious ones.

"And you don't mind it? You're not bothered by being abnormal?" Raphael couldn't help but ask and he didn't even care that he sounded like a child or at least a few years younger than he actually was. Ragnor looked at him with amusement dancing in his eyes, fingers still wrapped around his teacup.

"We are anything but normal either way. You're an immortal being now, there will never be anything normal about you ever again and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Mundanes have the weird notion of judging everyone who doesn't fit their weird concept of normal, it's different in our world. Nobody in the Downworld cares that you're abnormal, they're expecting it. The mundane's perception of abnormal is our normal."

Raphael nodded slowly, feeling his shoulders relax and with the releasing tension the exhaustion finally managed to seep back into his body with full force. Ragnor's words were actually very reassuring in their own kind of weird way.

* * *

Raphael had learned to embrace the way he was and he had accepted his disinterest in physical and apparently romantic closeness over the years. But then Simon had appeared in his life and started to mess everything up until the now clan leader felt like he was losing sight of himself. He still didn't feel an ounce of sexual attraction and the thought of too intimate contact still made him cringe but suddenly he actually longed for non-sexual intimacy and he didn't know how to handle it.

He wished he could just call Ragnor, ask him to portal him to London in the blink of an eye for them to sit together and have a talk like back when he had been newly turned. The warlock had always been kind of grumpy and eccentric but he had been a dear friend and Raphael knew Ragnor had seen something like a son in him or maybe just something akin to a younger brother. The older man had always been there if he needed advice and his sometimes brash answers had often helped Raphael or reassured him whenever his insecurities started to resurface.

Now, though, he didn't have his old friend by his side and despite the fact that his relationship with Magnus had become significantly better over the years - he still thought the man was insane but a surprisingly good kind of crazy - but he still didn't quite feel like talking about such things with him. Which was weird, Magnus certainly was the more sentimental one of the two warlocks but maybe that had been the reason why Raphael had preferred to ask Ragnor about things closest to his heart because the other didn't get too emotionally involved even though he did care just as much.

Raphael felt at a loss because he carried these unfamiliar in his chest and he saw that Simon was headed down the same road. He watched the boy fall for him, unable to stop it from happening and just as unable to act on it. Raphael felt sorry for Simon because he knew he wouldn't be able to give the boy what he wanted. He just wasn't wired that way, wasn't suitable for the kind of relationship that these feelings were calling for.

His attempt at dealing with the situation by trying to avoid the fledgeling didn't quite turn out the way he had hoped for because not even two weeks after he started to pretend to be suddenly a whole lot busier, Simon simply burst into his room - cheeks red because he probably just fed and eyes wide, eyebrows drawn together in a determined frown.

"You're avoiding me, why?"

Raphael pointedly looked down at the paperwork right in front of him instead of verbally answering the question, hoping against his better knowledge that Simon would accept this as an answer and leave again. Of course, he didn't.

"You've never been this busy so stop with this bullshit. Stop trying to pretend like I'm not the reason you're acting so weird. Did I do something wrong? If so, tell me, I want to make it right again," Simon demanded and stepped up to the desk, palms pressed on the cool wooden surface and body leant towards Raphael, expression stern.

"You did nothing wrong," Raphael sighed and he really didn't know how to address this whole subject but he should have thought of something instead of hoping for it to just pass over without Simon wanting to talk about it.

"Really? Because that doesn't seem very believable. Come on, talk to me," the younger vampire's voice melted into something softer, pleading, and he slid into the chair on the other side of Raphael's desk, fingers intertwining in his lap to keep them from fumbling nervously.

"I like you." Raphael felt absolutely ridiculous, especially because that wasn't at all what he wanted to say. This was the worst opener he could have chosen but those were the first words tumbling from his mouth and he barely resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands.

Simon's eyes widened at this confession and it was clear that he understood that Raphael didn't just mean _like_ , that it was more than amicable affection. The smile on his lips fell pretty much as soon as it appeared, though, because he noticed how Raphael's shoulders were slumped and he looked like he wanted to just disappear. Suddenly he could see past the confident clan leader who always knew how to handle things and recognised the 19-year-old boy behind all of that, the one who was insecure and didn't know how to handle a situation.

"I like you too but I have a feeling you know that already," Simon replied carefully, choosing the same wording as Raphael because he didn't want to make whatever was troubling the other even worse.

"You shouldn't."

"And why is that?"

"Because I can't give you what you want or what you deserve," Raphael replied with a voice so low that even sensitive vampire hearing made it difficult to catch the words.

Simon's frown deepened. "How about you leave it up to me to judge what I want and don't want? I like you--no, I'm _in love_ with you and if you feel the same, that's what I want. All I want is to have my feelings reciprocated and to get a chance."

Raphael swallowed thickly and stared at the table between them as if it held all the answers or could tell him which words to choose to make the other understand. It had been so much easier telling Ragnor about it decades ago and Raphael wondered how he had been able to form the words back then when he had been even more insecure about all of this.

"But that's it, I can't offer this chance. Not in the way other people could. I don't--I usually don't feel like this for other people. I never felt drawn to anyone in the way I'm drawn to you and I have no idea what to do with it. Especially because--because I don't want sex and I know that's part of a normal relationship," he breathed out and it felt so ridiculous how he wasn't able to get the words out properly, how he was stumbling over the explanation instead of being his usual confident self.

 _You're an immortal being now, there will never be anything normal about you ever again and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that_ , Ragnor's words echoed in his mind and Raphael always tried to cling to the "there's absolutely nothing wrong with that" because he knew that was what he should believe but it was hard.

"Relationships don't need sex to be normal. What even is _normal_ \- especially for us? I want to be with you and if you don't want sex, we won't have it. Simple as that. I want to be with you and I want to be close to you but I don't need sex."

"I will never want it, Simon. I never felt the need to and the mere thought of it is--" He didn't know how to express it without using words like _disgusting_ or _deterring_. He heard the creaking of Simon's chair when the other got up and he waited for the sound of the door that never followed. Instead, a hand appeared in his line of sight, a silent invitation. Raphael had no idea what Simon was up to but he still reached out, placing his hand in the other's. Simon's fingers were as cool as his when they wrapped around his hand.

"How do you feel about this? Or about hugs? Kissing?" Simon asked, his voice soft as he leant his hip against the desk while his thumb moved in soothing circles over the back of Raphael's hand.

"I like this. I'm fine with hugs and I don't think I would mind kissing you," the clan leader replied after a beat of silence and glanced up at Simon whose lips stretched into one of those beautiful smiles that caused his eyes to crinkle and shine.

"Then that's all I want. I'm okay with you not wanting sex and I would never want to do anything that could make you uncomfortable. I want to be with you and all of that _is_ you." Simon's smile softened even more and Raphael actually felt the urge to kiss this beautiful boy, for the first time in his life. He reached up with his free hand, curled it around the fledgelings neck and pulled him down to press their lips together, drawing a surprised little noise from the back of Simon's throat.

It was a foreign and slightly weird feeling at first but Raphael quickly melted into the way Simon's lips carefully started to move against his and his eyelids fluttered close, fingers digging into the soft hair at the nape of the other's neck.

Raphael really wished he could tell Ragnor about this development, that he could introduce Simon to his old friend, but he knew the warlock would probably tell him "See, I told you you're not broken, kid" with the hint of a grin in the corners of his mouth.


End file.
